Gridlocked

When I participated in a service mission in western Ukraine for my church, I was assigned to a fantastic mission president.  Basically, he operated as the service leader and priesthood authority for that part of the country.  I remember him asking me on my first day, "do you like group projects?"  I hesitated to answer, because I wanted to present a facade that I wasn't just some "yes man".  He answered his own question when presented with my silence, "Of course you don't.  Nobody does.  They're hard.  However, all of the most important work in the world requires you to work with people.  In fact, you will accomplish very little in this life without at least working with a few people."

In his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman discusses some of the most sincere interactions that occur between people - fulfilling dreams and using marriage as a tool for helping two individuals to grow.  “Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts. Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations" he explains.  However, throughout the world there are masses clamoring for justification in their weakness.  There are husbands who want a wife that won't judge them for shirking household responsibilities to watch football after work, there are wives who want a husband with mind-reading powers to anticipate their needs, and everyone is asking for a little more slack and reduced expectations concerning their behavior.  It isn't as easy as simply flipping a switch and becoming cooperative.  You may need help, understanding, or encouragement to accomplish your dreams.  But, maybe there is a conflict stopping that sort of interaction from occurring you your marriage.  Amidst the philosophizing and picturesque imagery behind having such a supportive relationship, we can find ourselves trapped inside a metaphorical cage.  

Picture found at; https://slate.com/business/2014/10/urbanengines-stanford-and-google-engineers-new-startup-hopes-to-solve-traffic-jam-problems.html

These situations are described by Gottman as "Gridlock".  Gridlock, in it's normal sense, refers to "a traffic jam affecting a whole network of intersecting streets" (Oxford Dictionary).  Much like a traffic jam blocking up surrounding streets, there are situations in our marriage that block up our standard pathways of communication.  It takes thoughtful and considerate navigation to unclog the traffic jams of marriage.  Here are a few recommendations from the Gottman Institute about overcoming gridlock.

• Allow yourself to contemplate dreams you may have buried or ignored within the gridlocked issue.
• Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame
•  If you feel like you are becoming flooded with emotion, or incapable of productive conversation, take a break either alone or with your partner. There’s no rush.
  • According to Dr. Gottman’s research, “if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try.”
• Define the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on.
• Define your areas of flexibility.
• Devise a temporary compromise that honors both of your dreams.

Visit: https://www.gottman.com/blog/overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/ (Links to an external site.) for more ideas and direction on Dr. Gottman's research.

Take it one step at a time.  It's very likely that nobody wants your marriage to succeed more than you and your spouse.  By approaching these Gridlock issues with care, like a skilled officer directing traffic back into a manageable flow (no matter how slow), anyone can get the channels of communication back open.