Skip to main content

Every Day

(Photo from https://pxhere.com/en/photo/976710)
Every day.
Children are born, you splurge on your dream vacation, you break ground on your new home, and you finally promise to kick that one bad habit again.  Every day people are making big changes. 
Every day.
And every day, people are getting married.  All around the world, no matter what culture you come from, marriage is a thing.  It's been a thing for a very, very long time.  We come together, and in many cultures, we make promises to help each other through thick and thin.  We're supposed to be there, sickness and in health, right?  Every single day, people are making that monumental promise to each other that no matter what happens, they'll see it through and stay in love.
Unfortunately, just like that bad habit you promised to kick and ended up giving into a few days later, those same life changing promises are being broken.  Every. Single. Day.   Statistically, it is very likely that many marriages will never make it to the "death do us part" portion of their vows.  Often, the parting takes place after affairs, disagreements with money; everything from a simple whim even outright abusive tendencies are breaking the bond.
One fascinating resource I found is a blog run by the McKinley Irvin Family Law Firm -- It shows some truly harrowing statistics down to their clients claims about social media use!  Check out this material about "32 Shocking Divorce Statistics";
When my wife and I got hitched, we made a big promise too!  We swore that we would be together for time and all eternity.  It's a part of our religion's ceremony to be Sealed, meaning that we're planning on doing this thing, not just until we die, but even after that and then some more.  As you can imagine, this makes the leap a little more intimidating!
We read books, we spoke to counselors, and we spent late nights talking about the decision.   Finally, we came to a conclusion -- Perhaps it's not about avoiding what could go wrong.  Sure, marriage will be fun a lot of the time.  It's definitely important to have those big talks and figure out how you're going to handle your money, time, and affection.  You want to prepare and think carefully about it.
But what are you going to do about what you can't see coming?
My wife and I made a simple rule;  Don't ever give up on each other.  No matter what.
It sounds too simple to be true, but that's how we've done it.  Every fight, disagreement, and hurt feeling ended up splattered onto the grand canvas of our relationship with an underlying tone -- nothing will end this between us.  Ever. 
"But what if someone cheats?"
"What if you grow apart?"
"What if it's too hard?"
Don't ever give up on each other.  No matter what.  Now, There are ways to support this ideology.  I'll suggest a few that really help my wife and I, and perhaps they'll help you too!
1) Common spirituality.  My wife and I were raised as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I know, so nice you could just say it twice! Despite the mouthful of  title, The Church has helped my wife and I focus on family prayer, deep and meaningful conversations, and keeping that big picture view of "this is all so much bigger than me".  Ultimately, it keeps our selfish tendencies in check, and helps us stay closer.
2) Open Discussion.  One of the fastest ways to let negative emotions demolish your marriage is to not talk about them until they've built up so much pressure inside of you that there is no real resolution.  Nope, you will just explode at that point.  My wife and I use "I" statements as soon as we feel something.  When I get upset at my wife for demanding something from me, I make a statement like, "I would feel better about it if you said 'please' when you asked for help".  Opening communication isn't easy, but it makes things run so much more smoothly.
3) Have fun.  I mean have fun in your way.  If your spouse and you enjoy sitting on the couch and watching movies, go for it.  Need to get out and go for a walk?  Spend the time together.  Paint, draw, run, play, read, or do whatever you need to spend quality time together!
Ultimately, I believe that the decision to divorce is well guided by what one of our Church leaders, Dallin H. Oaks says, 
"Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us."

You can read the rest of his lecture (we call them "talks" in The Church) at this link here!
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng
Some marriages are indeed beyond having "any prospect of life", and it may be better for both people to find a way out.  But that should be the exception, not the rule to the sickness.
Every day -- that's how we build a marriage.  Every day, one day at a time, we make small decisions that lead to a happy marriage and life.  There are few circumstances where we cannot recover and rebuild.  While the world is in turmoil around us, and the masses are screaming and clamoring for an easy fix,  it's my personal hope that more people will take the longer and higher road wherever possible.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Councils

One of the greatest tools in marriage is communication.  I feel like we've talked about this to great length already, and you may be wondering to yourself, "Should I even read the rest of what he's about to write?  This'll be like, his fourth blog post focused on communication."  Yes.  Yes it will be.  And yes, you should read the rest of this because communication is IMPORTANT.  I will never not communicate about the importance of communication. However, wouldn't it be nice if there was a venue where you could trust in the powers of communication?  A place where family matters could be hashed out and decided in a somewhat civil manner?  I know that I sure do.  As the father of one little boy, I can already tell you that having more than one child under the age of 10 is going to make this dream far, far removed from me.  However, like a little tree is not ready to brave the storms of the world until it has sprouted roots, we must root...
Post a Comment
Read more

Gridlocked

When I participated in a service mission in western Ukraine for my church, I was assigned to a fantastic mission president.  Basically, he operated as the service leader and priesthood authority for that part of the country.  I remember him asking me on my first day, "do you like group projects?"  I hesitated to answer, because I wanted to present a facade that I wasn't just some "yes man".  He answered his own question when presented with my silence, "Of course you don't.  Nobody does.  They're hard.  However, all of the most important work in the world requires you to work with people.  In fact, you will accomplish very little in this life without at least working with a few people." In his book,  The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,  Dr. John Gottman discusses some of the most sincere interactions that occur between people - fulfilling dreams and using marriage as a tool for helping two individuals to grow.  “Keep wo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Pride; The Poison of Marriage

Ask any member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and they will tell you how proud they are of their Prophet.  We love the direction, inspiration, and love provided by these experienced men!  One such man was Ezra Taft Benson, who served as the Prophet and President of the Church starting in the mid 80's.  And as proud as we are of our wise leaders, President Benson warned in his 1989 discourse entitled "Beware of Pride" that we should be cautious of certain  types  of pride; Ezra Taft Benson (Photo Source;  https://www.thechurchnews.com)  (Links to an external site.) "Some prideful people are not so concerned as to whether their wages meet their needs as they are that their wages are more than someone else’s. Their reward is being a cut above the rest. This is the enmity of pride." The webster dictionary definition of enmity is " the state or feeling of being actively opposed or hostile to someone or something". So let...
Post a Comment
Read more