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All for One, or Everyone for Themselves?





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It only takes 1-2 days for trench foot to develop.
In a flurry of gunshots and artillery blasts,  soldiers from all over the world participated in Trench Warfare.  Not mentioning those who were killed or harmed in direct combat, an auxiliary threat came from the soldiers supposed "protection". Soldiers were huddled shoulder to shoulder in dank, deep ruts in the ground to fight for their countries (and hopefully return to them in one piece).  A trench was dark, cold, and wet.   Those conditions caused 75,000 British and 2,000 American soldiers [stats from Medical News Today], to develop a horrible condition endearingly called trench foot. It was a painful condition that, if left untreated, would eventually lead to gangrene and even amputation.
Much like the battle fields of WWI, our lives can turn to trench warfare.  Everyone needs to fight - fight for survival, for opportunities, for safety, for comfort, for success -- you name it.  We fight for what we have.  The question boils down to this - is our marriage a union that helps us fight our battles out in the open together, or are we digging trenches to isolate ourselves and fight one another.
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There are several indicators that clearly demonstrate that we've dug in against our spouse.  In John Gottman's book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he outlines the Four Horsemen of marital apocalypse.  Look down this small list and see if these red flags are typical of your relationship;
1) Criticism -  Gottman gave an example of the difference between complaints and criticism with the following examples;
"Complaint. There’s no gas in the car. Why didn’t you fill it up like you said you would?
Criticism. Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t."
2) Contempt - Gottman says, "Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt — the worst of the four horsemen — is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust."
3) Defensiveness - In his book, Gottman explains, "You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly."
4) Stonewalling - far more common among men, Gottman give the following scenario to help us picture it,
"Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stonewaller."
All four of these horsemen indicate that there is a fundamental problem with marriage.  The problem? We've dug ourselves into trenches of miscommunication.   We are constantly finding ways to fight without having to leave the "protection" of our own corrosive, self-centered perspectives. We need to get out, because our trenches are only deteriorating our hearts -- much like the trenches of WWI did to the feet of the soldiers.
So what's the fix?  Where's the program?  How many steps to I have to take to recover from my addiction to this pit I've put myself in?
It's not a program.  It's something that we once knew and came natural to us.  It's the reason we got married in the first place.
It's about friendship.
Most marriages, especially those in western culture, are founded on a mutual friendship developed between two people.  While there are rare exceptions, most people got married because at some point they actually really liked each other.  At some point, we just started digging ourselves into selfish desires and day by day made a deep, dark, cold trench to separate ourselves.
So the goal is to remember what makes us friends.
In the same spirit, I believe that this advertisement for chocolate actually demonstrates the point very well.  In 1914, during WWI on Christmas day, a ceasefire occurred between the trenches...

1914 | Sainsbury's Ad | Christmas 2014

So it may not be Christmas every day,  but our marriages are no different when it comes to leaving the trenches and showing human compassion to one another.  How are we going to leave our trenches to strengthen our union?  What will you do to show your spouse that you are their friend?  How will we each personally unify to fight the stresses and problems that face our families, not just fight each other?
Other references;
Stats from - (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320780.php)

Photos from - https://www.iwm.org.uk/history/10-photos-of-life-in-the-trenches

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